By Dominic Vincent Nkoyoyo
Male-female relationships are undoubtedly fundamental and basic for the survival of any human society and indeed of the whole of the human race. This is why God in his wisdom did not create only one gender! He created Adam and Eve. He created them male and female. And experience shows that in spite of all the misunderstandings and sometimes deadly fights among them, man and woman are inseparable.
A male-female relationship manifests itself in two basic forms, of which the first is: ordinary friendship which demands of us respect and charity for all people of the other or opposite sex regardless of whether or not we are sexually attracted to them. And the second one is: deep and intimate friendship which is very personal and between a specific man and a specific woman. It engages all our feelings and forces: physical, psychological and spiritual. And it demands of the two individuals involved, some form of explicit commitment verbal or written to each other. A healthy relationship of this kind as it grows it opens up in a modest and prudent way to everyone. (A relationship of a man and a woman which has no room for others is sick and unhealthy!)
In fact, the key to integral human development that is, growth and maturity at all human levels: physical, mental, psychological, emotional, moral and spiritual lies in man-woman deep and sincere friendship! This kind of relationship is not a bed of roses! It generates deep and excruciating pains beyond all human description as it involves pulling down, shattering and dismantling of all the masks and facades which we wear; so that we may stand as our true selves, unmasked, bare and naked before the one we love! This process of de-masking is the foundation of integral human development.
A man-woman deep friendship touches certain areas within us which man-man or woman-woman relationships could never touch! In this way, it reveals truth and knowledge about ourselves which we can never get from relationships with the people of our own sex. This is so because God in creating a man left in him or in his heart «an invisible space or room» which can only be occupied and filled by a woman and not another man! He created the woman in the same way. Every woman carries within herself that «invisible space or room» which can only be occupied by a man and not by another woman!
So, people who have no deep friendships with the other sex lack something essential, especially, in the area of emotional, moral and spiritual maturity. Man and woman are complementary. So, where this complementarity lacks, something important and essential is missing. But it is very important to know and remember that a man-woman deep friendship does not necessarily mean engaging in sex! We are not slaves of sex! Those engaged in the relationship can forego it, if they judge it to be the best for them.
In general, man-woman deep friendships leads to marriage. But not many marriages in this world are based on this kind of friendship. For example, in many parts of the globe like India we still have arranged marriages! That is, people do not have to be friends in order to get married; it is just something arranged for them by their relatives. And in today’s world we also have many marriages of convenience. That is, people who get married not because they are friends or intend to be so, but simply because marriage fulfils some of their needs for example: sexual, emotional and economic. Some countries have also introduced the controversial same sex marriages!
But deep down, what many people who are still single desire and yearn for is natural or heterosexual marriage based on friendship. In other words, people are single not because they hate marriage or do not want to get married, but simply because they have so far failed to get a partner. They do sense the importance and necessity of man-woman deep friendships in their lives and that for such friendship to work, it must be centred on God! Deep within they also know that man and woman are complementary.
Nigerian Pastor Chris Ojigbani’s Conference: «Getting Married Without Delay» held in Nairobi in September this year was indeed very revealing. It showed how much people yearn for heterosexual marriage. Single women in their thousands looking for husbands from all over Kenya and other parts of Africa poured into Nairobi to seek Ojigbani’s advice and wisdom on how to get a husband, and so, get married without delay! About 10,000 singles attended the conference!
The Kenyan newspaper Daily Nation, Tuesday September 14, 2010 in article: Do we have a husband crisis, gives some wonderful testimonies of some of the women who took part in the conference which clearly demonstrate that they are truly longing for heterosexual marriages based on mutual respect and friendship:
Adiline Mudibo, 31, a business and social worker who travelled all the way from Monrovia in Liberia to attend the conference sai:, «From now on, I will be looking forward to meeting a man who is God-fearing and one who is able to take care of my emotional needs. It is important for me to have a person who when I cry, wipes my tears away and when I laugh, he laughs with me. »
Martha Anjela, a student of design said: «I think getting tips of how to get out of singlehood is one of the greatest lessons one can give to women. I have been assured that every woman has her man tucked away somewhere and this thing of men being fewer than women is a myth. »
And Rebecca Wanjiru, 26, a beauty therapist, had this to say: «By demonstrating that there is a man for each of us, the pastor has really encouraged me. …However, I am not ready to date a Kenyan man as the ones I have encountered have failed me. I am looking forward to a Nigerian or a white man.»
When natural or heterosexual marriage triumphs over single or bachelor’s life and other forms of marriage, this should be a joy for all of us! For this reason, I believe it is the only type of marriage proper to human beings. And I think it is for this reason that our Lord Jesus Christ himself decided to be brought up in a heterosexual marriage of Joseph and Mary his wife.
Dominic Vincent Nkoyoyo at Monastery Val Notre-Dame, Canada.
